season two. jungle boogie.

Avril is bathed in a bright purple light, straddling two giant black boxes as they plummet down into the neverending void. She is trying to coax RoboPete into making the leap between them. After bribing him with a treat, he obliges. The HUD on her visor is telling her that the box, the block, she is looking for will require further acrobatics to get to, so she puts Pete in the backpack.

Between avril and the desired block is, of course, a chain, and she’s played enough Tomb Raider to know this one is going to require a running jump. She holds her breath and takes the leap of faith, catching the chain in her gloved hands. It swings…way more than she was expecting. Her intention had been to let go and land safely near the edge, but instead she overshoots, drops straight into the middle and crashes through the trapdoor which serves as the entrance to the block. She screams. RoboPete whimpers. But, to their relief, they land somewhere soft. And green.

I’m face down and I can immediately smell the field of flowers I’ve landed in. RoboPete takes the opportunity to emerge from the bag. He walks over my back, pushing my head down as he uses it as a springboard to jump into the field. Now I can literally taste the flowers too.

“Thanks Pete.” I say, voice muffled by the ground. I push myself up in time to see him marking his territory against a nearby cherry tree. Nice. I take a proper look at my surroundings.

According to the HUD on my helmet’s visor, the sky is a beautiful #00CCFF, while the landscape is a mix of #03C03C and #7CFC00 with lovely #FFB7C5 tulips. I decide to flip the visor up as the HEX codes are slightly ruining the vibe. I take in all the colours, minus annotations, and I pause to breathe in the natural world around me. My chest releases and it feels like I’m exhaling something. Anxiety? Adrenaline? The last of a hangover? I’m not sure, but it makes me feel a lot better. I pick one of the flowers and begin threading it through a wire in my helmet. Funny, I remember reading somewhere that most tulips don’t tend to have a fragrance, but there’s definitely a strong floral scent coming from them.

Some distance away, a bright yellow daffodil shoots up from between the pink tulips and trains its trumpet on avril while she fixes the tulip to her helmet. Then, the daffodil looks at RoboPete, relieving himself on another cherry tree. The flower spins back and forth between the two scenes, appearing to shake with rage, before suddenly disappearing back into the undergrowth.

Avril might not have seen the daffodil, but as she begins walking through the field, she has the sense that something is not quite right.

“It’s very neat… isn’t it?” I ask RoboPete. The tulips are arranged into large perfectly square fields with a cherry tree marking the edge of each corner. There are no fences, but the whole scene has a certain copy+paste feeling to it. RoboPete says nothing. Obviously. However, I can tell he agrees though by the look on his face. In fact, he seems to be on guard.

“It’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong. It’s just … pristine. Every flower looks perfect.” Pete starts panting, I wonder if that’s just to make him more realistic or whether it serves a purpose. He’s right though, it is hot. We could probably do with some shade.

The ground begins to slope steadily downhill until I can see a point where the field of tulips meets the edge of a forest. As I reach it, I notice that the tulips end perfectly, in a straight line. There’s a strip of tall grass, then the forest begins in a perfect line running alongside it. As I wade into the grass, my eye is caught by a trimmed area with a ring of mushrooms — bright orange in colour.

A familiar voice calls out from them.

“Hey wait, avril! Don’t go out! It’s unsafe.”

Blue light shoots from the cap of each mushroom, meeting in the middle until they form an image: a miniature hologram of a man in a labcoat.

“Dr Bruce... I finally get a look at you. I thought you’d be taller.”

“Haha, that’s my hello? Nothing else to say?”

I look a little closer. The hologram is fuzzy, but Bruce looks slim. He seems to be wearing glasses, but most of his face is covered by a large beard. His age is hard to determine, but I’d guess he is in his 40s or 50s.

“Nope. You look pretty much like how I imagined you. Generic science geek, just smaller, bluer, and in the middle of a fairy ring.”

“A what?”

“Fairy ring. A ring of mushrooms where fairies live. If you step into the ring, you get a curse put on you. You didn’t know?”

“Ridiculous. Have you ever seen a fairy?”

“No…sadly…”, I pout. “Anyway, what do you mean ridiculous? Fairy rings are nowhere near as ridiculous as the fact that you’re some dude from the future who’s beamed me into a blockchain dimension to help save the world. Refuse to believe in fairies all you want, but that won’t stop you being cursed.”

“Is that so? Maybe I am… cursed to have chosen an accomplice with such high levels of sass.”

RoboPete starts growling at the mini Dr Bruce.

“At my command, Pete *will* pee on you. I reckon your holographic projector won’t like that.”

“Probably not. But then I won’t be able to help you find what you’re looking for.”

“The Bored Apes…”

“The Bored Apes. But first, tell me, what have you noticed about the world you are in?”

“Hmmm…It’s beautiful. And very neat. The flowers are all perfect. The cherry trees were all evenly spaced out. And this is basically where one section ends and the next looks like a forest.”

“So..”

“So something has designed this place, and … or… appears to be maintaining it.”

“Very good…”

“Who…or what is it then? Don’t tell me it’s some kind of magic crystal…”

“Could be. To be honest, I have no idea. You’ve got as far as I had in your thinking.”

“Brucy, I’m always two steps ahead. Please remember that.”

“Very well. Then where are you headed?”

I shrug. “Level two! Forest Zone.”

“Ok, well, keep your wits about you. As I said, it could be dangerous.”

“Roger that, Captain fungi! Fun guy… you get it… because you’re always so serious? It’s ironic.”

Dr Bruce shakes his little blue head and the hologram disappears. As I’m about to enter the forest, I see a butterfly zip past. It flies. It doesn’t flutter. It doesn’t flap and bounce around. It flies by with purpose, as if it were on a wire. There’s something unnatural about this place, and I’m going to find out what it is.
____________

The forest starts out quite nice, there is a fresh alpine smell in the air. However, progress is slow and I find myself wishing I had a bicycle. It’s eerily quiet too.

Aside from me and RoboPete, all I’ve seen in terms of wildlife are a growing number of insects and creepy-crawlies. In fact, they are beginning to freak me out, not because I’m particularly afraid of them (I recently fought a robot scorpion after all!), but there’s something uncanny about the way they are moving. They are travelling with me, following me towards my destination. It feels like there is something else too. I think I’m being watched.

About an hour later, I realise a bike would have been redundant. The forest becomes thicker and the fresh air begins to fade. Now the atmosphere is heavy and wet, and the vegetation, more exotic. I flip my visor down and so it can guide me deeper into what has now become a jungle. RoboPete begins panting again. It’s probably just an affectation, but this doesn’t stop the pangs of sympathy. My tingling spidey-sense is vindicated when I come across a stream and decide to refill my water flask. As I’m removing it from my backpack, I hear a voice,

“Greetings, avril15.”

A woman’s voice, deep, possibly French. It sounds as if it’s coming through an intercom. I stand up straight and spin around. Nothing.

“Over here.”

I turn my head in time to see a vine unfurl in front of me. At the end of it, a violent red flower draws level with my head and the voice is coming from it.

“Welcome! It’s been so long since I entertained guests!” RoboPete growls, a different growl from the one Dr Bruce got. This is a warning growl, a serious one. I get ready to remove my baton from my pocket

“Clearly.” I respond, “You know, it’s good manners to introduce yourself.” The vine draws back, like a cobra. RoboPete’s growl deepens, but I stay still.

“You can call me The Gardener.”

“Uh-huh… this all yours then?”“Well, I didn’t create it, but I do maintain it.”

“It’s very neat. Even this jungle, the trees are all nicely spaced out at regular intervals and the insects seem to be on a mission. Is it just them in here or should I be wary of finding something bigger?”

“Mostly insects. The bigger animals tend to… make a mess.” The scarlet flower turns and looks at RoboPete. He decides to lunge at it. The vine quickly recoils out of his reach.

“I prefer things to be a bit more organised. So, with a few exceptions, it’s just insects.”

“Uh-huh. And what’s up with them? Marching along with a sense of purpose.”

“Would you like to see where they are going?”

“Nope. I don’t need your help…thanks.” I flash a sarcastic smile. Can she even see me?

“Suit yourself. See you soon.”

The vine retreats back into the jungle canopy with a snap. I finish filling up my water and continue following the insects. It’s starting to get dark when the silence gives way to the building hum of insects. I realise they must all be congregating in the same place. In fact, it’s not just the hum of insects I can hear, but something mechanical too.

As I emerge into a clearing, I can’t quite comprehend what I’m looking at. A series of giant hulking pieces of machinery covered in insects. There are rods lined with butterflies, panels of artificial honeycomb covered in bees and conveyor belts covered in soil and worms. There are plenty of other insects too. Ones that I don’t recognise, but from their bright colours I assume that I might want to keep my distance.

“What…” A metallic structure emerges from the machinery, similar to a vine. It snakes its way towards us. It reminds me a bit of Inspector Gadget and his extendable arms. At the end is a metal sphere with a strip of red light moving backwards and forwards.

“This is how I keep things in order, avril.” The Gardener’s voice is being projected from the metal ball.

I watch as another arm appears, this time with some kind of spray gun on the end. It begins dusting the butterflies with a fine mist. RoboPete begins growling at it.

“What is it doing?”

“Drugging them. No need for them to waste energy at night. I have a separate chemical for the morning to increase productivity.”

“Productivity for what?”

“Pollinating, of course!”

“Don’t they do that anyway?”

“Now they do it more efficiently.”“Can’t you just do it yourself?” I look around, “With machinery”“Actually, I tried that. But it turns out nature did a pretty good job of designing these creatures. They just need a little helping hand.”

“By drugging them? That makes you sound like a pretty lousy gardener to me. Aren’t you supposed to leave out dishes of sugary water or something?”

“Ha. Avril, I’m not some hipster with an allotment here. I am The Gardener. I am responsible for maintaining this entire world. It’s being run in optimal condition, it is secure, it is organised.”

“Sure. And the grand plan is…Tulips?”

“It’s worked before hasn’t it? Ever heard of Tulip Mania?”“Tulpenmanie? Oh pleeeease! I’ve done my research. 17th century tulip trading at overinflated prices. Often used as an example when discussing new assets and specul…wait…hold on. Are you planning to turn that field of tulips into NFTs?”

“Through our optimal biosystem and cultivation techniques, we generate energy, but yes, we are also aiming to harvest our flowers and create unique collections of NFTs.”

“There are thousands of them! And they all look the same! They sound like really shit NFTs to me.”

The robotic vine recoils.

“Now, who is being rude? There are thousands of tulips, yes, and thousands of other crops, other flowers. A collection of millions ready to flood the marketplace.” “Mass-produced generic flower NFTs created by a shadowy centralised authority with her own army of insect slaves…Hard pass. You must be part of the reason the whole crypto world gets fucked up. I bet Dr—”

It’s then that I hear an angry bark. I look round to see the go-go gadget spray gun arm hurtling towards RoboPete. He dives out of the way.

“Get that dog out of here! It has been making a mess of my garden since the moment it arrived!”

My hand was already on my baton, so I’m able to remove it and extend it in one fluid motion as I swing it up and smack the robotic arm in front of me.”

“Don’t you even think about going near RoboPete again!” The two arms pull back, but are soon met by others. Others with more sinister-looking tools at the end of them. Several with spray guns begin spraying the insects, waking them up, and the sound of angry buzzing grows.

“Avril… we can work together. I can help you get you out of here. But I need you to do exactly what I say. Put your weapon away, and nobody needs to get hurt.”

“I don’t respond well to threats, Ms Gardener’s fucking world. I think this conversation is over.”

The robotic arms come straight for me and I lunge to cover Pete and cram him into my bag. The insects burst from their resting places and start flying towards me angrily. I turn and run.

Behind me, it sounds like the entire jungle is seething with rage and coming after me. Vines begin swinging down, narrowly missing my head while roots are rising up, trying to trip me. Pete howls from the backpack. He cannot be enjoying this…

Suddenly a memory floats into my mind

____________

DR BRUCE says: What information did your heads-up display give you on it? It must have given some clues to the securitybot’s weaknesses…

____________

Shit! I flip my visor down and things just got a whole lot easier. The swinging vines and branches are now highlighted in red and safe routes in green. Hell yeah, this is like a hazard perception test, except I’ve got the cheat codes. The insects are still behind me, but I manage to put some distance between us. Unfortunately, the visor assumes I’ll remember the stream that I stopped at earlier, but I don’t. My foot hits a slimy rock and I fly forward.

It’s a hard landing, but I’ve no time to check for injuries. I look up and towards the wall of noise coming in my direction. Information on my HUD begins to appear:

Incoming: giant swarm of venomous insects.

Analysing options…

Suggested strategy: Use baton’s electric pulse to stun insects

A diagram of my baton appears and shows me that the bottom can be twisted. How did I not know that? As the hordes of insects get closer, I get down on one knee and hold the baton in the air. The moment I see them burst through the foliage, I twist the bottom. It emits a high-pitched sound which builds before an electrical charge blasts everything in front of me.

Every last one of my six-legged attackers immediately hit the ground.

Insect Casualties: 0.0

I try to catch my breath and have a look at my knee, which seems to be bleeding, but that goddamn vine appears again, unfurling to the sound of its own laughter. Pete sticks his head out the backpack and growls.

“Hahaha, avril15, exterminator. I thought you were going to give them all sugar water?”

“They aren’t dead. Just stunned. Your little creepy-crawly slave army will be fine. You know, torturing insects is one of the first signs of psychopathy…”

“Hmmm…The Psychopathic Gardener? It’s got a ring to it. Ideal job for burying bodies too, don’t you think, avril?”

I smile defiantly.

“Well, maybe it won’t come to that. Shall we call it a draw? You can continue your little adventure someplace else and stop trampling through my garden.”

“A draw? My uncle always said: if your opponent asks to call it a draw, then they know there’s a chance they could lose.” I look at my baton.

“Oh, you think because you’ve got a battery-operated flyswatter my defences are down? Come then avril, come back into the forest and meet my real security team…”

The flower on the vine opens up fully and a cloud of gas is released from its centre. I easily jump back and dodge it.

I give the flower the finger and turn to walk away.

“I’ll be right back.”

It’s the dead of night by the time I arrive at the fairy ring, and the first thing I notice is that the field of tulips is luminescent, their petals glowing in the dark. It’s undeniably beautiful and it makes me stop and think for a moment, to wonder if I’m doing the right thing by going up against The Gardener…

The fairy ring is also glowing, but it’s missing a tiny blue Dr Bruce.

“Dr…”

The projection lights immediately return and his familiar figure appears. I talk him through what’s happening as I clean the cut on my knee.

“Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing though? I mean, she’s taking advantage of a few creepy-crawlies. We’ve all swotted a fly, or pulled the legs off a spider at some point, right?”

“You pull legs off of spiders?”

“No!” I say hurriedly, “It’s just a metaphor!”

“Firstly, if you want to really know someone, don’t look at how they treat those they consider their peers, but those they perceive as their inferiors. That’s when you really have a chance to see their true nature, because that’s how they would behave towards you if they could get away with it.”

“I know, I know, but bugs? I mean, maybe the bugs are content. Who am I to judge?”

“Contentment and freedom are two different things. The Gardener has appointed herself supreme ruler of this world, guardian of everything, whether they like it or not, and to the exclusion of others. This is the centralisation you are fighting against. Can you not think back to a landscape from your past, somewhere wild and beautiful where nature governed itself?”

Immediately my mind flashs to heather, purple and clinging to the side of a cliff path. The wind blows through them and I have an overwhelming sense of a sublime wilderness.

“I can…”

“Her actions and words clearly suggest she’s someone who should be stopped, avril.” Ok, I admit it, he’s convincing me…

“But maybe The Gardener is too dangerous, avril. Maybe this is too much too soon.”

“Well…She’s connected to the guys who sent the scorpion bot after me, right?”

“I suspect so, yes…”

“Plus she attacked Pete. And she’s running this entire world like some centralised dystopia… Well, for the insects it’s pretty dystopian. And tulip NFTs? Come on…”

“Well, at least we know you weren’t wrong to pursue this lead.”

“Sure, but teeeechnically, I came here looking for the Bored Apes after making a snap decision in a moment of anger. It seems to have worked out though. Maybe I’ve found something more important than the apes…”

“Mmm…” Dr Bruce falls silent. I look out over the field of tulips.

“So what’s with the hologram in the circle of mushrooms anyway?”

“It’s a backdoor left by developers. Certain things can be transmitted into the block.”

“That doesn’t sound very immutable.”

“It’s not. And that’s a problem.”

“Not for me… It means I get some company”

A thought occurs to me, “Can anything else be transmitted here?”

“Not without some reconfiguration. And nothing bigger than the size of this ring. Why?”

I smile. Tell me how to reconfigure it.

An hour later, I disconnect my helmet and the rest of my tech from the mushrooms and stick everything in my backpack.

“Ok, I’m ready to make my requests and then I can look forward to finding a big juicy loot crate when I wake up. Like Christmas. Except, instead of a tree, I have mushrooms. And instead of an angel to put on top, I have a tiny blue scientist.”

“Aren’t Christmas presents usually surprises?”

“Sure. Some of them.”

“Then… why don’t I fill your ‘loot crate’.”

“Dr Bruuuuuce! Have you got that festive feeling? Do you think you know me well enough to be my Secret Santa?”

“Haha, well, for a start, I’ve still got the list of things you ordered to the first block you were in…”

“Ew. Is it framed on your wall or something? I told you that’s kinda stalkerish. Well! You’ve made it weird now. I’m going to bed. You get back in your mushrooms and I better have a box full of cool shit waiting for me in the morning.”

Dr Bruce says goodbye and I settle down on the trimmed grass beside the fairy ring.

“Pete?”

Seconds later he emerges from the tulip field with a bright yellow daffodil in his mouth. He can be a strange dog sometimes.

I lie with my head against my backpack. Should have asked Bruce to bring me a pillow. What an insane day. I’ve made a new arch-nemesis, been attacked by an insect horde, chatted with Dr Bruce the blue mini-mushroom man, and now I’m lying here all alone trying to remember where that heather-covered cliff path is… somewhere I visited on a childhood holiday?

This leads to the horrible familiar feeling of a negative thought spiral beginning to form as I start to dwell on the past and worry about the future. I’m all alone and—

—and Pete hops up onto my legs and curls up beside me. The thought spiral immediately dissipates. He may be a robot, but this is one of those moments where I forget and I can finally let go and fall asleep.

……………
I’m running along the cliff path between the heather bushes. Something is chasing me. I’m scared until I realise I can jump. Not just a little. I can jump really high. I can fly into the air, far away from my pursuer, and land back down without breaking my ankles. This fills me with so much joy. I can escape any time I want, all I need to do is jump. I jump again and again, my heart soaring with every bound until I’ve jumped clear of the cliffedge. All that’s below me is the sea. I’m going to fall in, but that’s ok.

I fall towards the water, but instead of hitting its surface, I land on a bed of grass and flowers. I’m back at the end of the forest, only things are different. Everything is growing wild and free like it’s supposed to and it’s beautiful. I lie on my front and run my hands through the flowers and mushrooms which are shimmering in the silvery moonlight. I breathe in their aroma. I’ve opened Dr Bruce’s presents and they are spread around me: controllers, cigarettes, a CD player, and my mobile phone… My Nokia…
____________

It goes off. Those unmistakable beeps. My Nokia is telling me I’ve received a message.

I open my eyes, panicked, trying to find my phone, but it’s not there. Of course not. It was a dream. My phone’s not in this world. I left it charging at home when I went to trade my game at James’s shop. It never entered the Metaverse with me and yet…I’m sure that’s what woke me up.

I turn to my left and realise that I’ve somehow overlooked the giant black box sitting in the middle of the fairy ring. This one is tall, more of a loot locker than a box, nice and narrow so it can fit in the ring. At the top, stands a triumphant-looking hologram Dr Bruce.

“Was that you playing the Nokia ringtone to wake me up?”

“Sorry?”

“The ringtone? I thought it might be a nostalgia thing.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh… nothing.” I was sure I heard my phone.

“What’s in the box Brucy!” I jump up. God this actually is like a weird, twisted Christmas.

“Open it! I’m looking forward to seeing how well I know you…”

I’m looking forward to seeing how accurate my dreams were. I push in the side and let it fall open.

Oh. My. God.

I find my favourite instant ramen noodles, sitting on top is a set of hi-tech goggles with a division sign over each eye, one horizontal, one vertical. Next to them, a multipack of Camel cigarettes,

I dreamt there would be cigarettes, but…“Hey, no Lucky Strike?”

“There was a mix up..”

“Oh well. No worries! What else we got…?” A cassette falls out.

“I couldn’t bring you fairies, but…”

“No way! Pixies! Surfer Rosa, niiiice! You know what’s weird? I actually dreamt you’d get me a CD player. It looks like my subconscious was hoping for something more hi-tech! But I don’t mind…only…I don’t have a cassette player…”

“No problem. Put your new goggles on.”

I do as he says, the dark landscape is now lit with a bright yellow. I look at the cassette and it immediately scans the album.

Play: Pixies - Surfer Rosa (1992, Dolby HX Pro, Cassette)?

I nod instinctively.

Playing: Side A, Track 1, Bone Machine

“Awesome!”

“So far so good, what else…hold on…is that a NERF gun!? No…wait…”

“Ahhh yes, so, in the end I actually found out what a NERF gun was after you told me it was a ‘short to medium range weapon that was popular in the 90s.’” Dr Bruce is going air quotes and shaking his head.

“... I was going to get you one, but the trouble is, I couldn’t think of how we could modify it to make it useful for your current situation. However…”

I pull out the plastic weapon, “A SUPER SOAKER 2000! Now we are talking!” Pete looks at it sceptically. “Wait, how will this be useful for taking down the big bad?”

“I’ve got some ideas for mods that we are going to make.”

“Amazing… ok, what else we got…” I empty the rest of the locker. Food and drink, some whisky…

“Macallan, you remembered!”

… some new threads, some kind of gas mask (should come in handy), and one last surprise…

“IS THAT THE GUN FROM ‘TIME CRISIS’! OH NO YOU DIDN’T!”

“I did. And we’re going to mod that too.”

“Dr Motherfucking Bruce. You did good!”

“I did well, avril. You’re the one who’s about to do some good.”“Bruce, was that a grammar joke? You were so close to being cool…so close.” Mini-Bruce responds with a mini-shrug. I open a box of camels and light one up.

“Ok, show me what I need to do. It’s time to tool up!”
____________

Avril is in full stealth mode now. She’s wearing her new goggles and gas mask, her clothes are various shades of camouflage, and she is adorned with the flowers of the jungle. She’s also in a tree.

RoboPete is in the backpack, being very brave and trying not to look down. Leaning against the trunk and standing on a thick branch, she removes her new handgun. It is attached by a wire to her belt. Various wires run between her belt, goggles, and backpack. She points the gun at The Gardener’s mouthpiece, the talking vine, whose gas-expelling red flower is clearly waiting for her down below. She takes aim at the vine and squeezes the trigger. The gun itself makes no sound. No lasers or lightbeams appear to come from it. Yet, several metres away, the vine explodes loudly and is severed in two.

“Action!”

I climb down and head towards the clearing. I arrive unchallenged. The insects are gone — must be away doing their master’s bidding. She clearly has something else in store for me, but I’ve come prepared. As I emerge from the undergrowth, the jungle around me begins to come alive. Giant carnivorous-looking flowers start rising from the earth, vines drop down, and thorny branches are crawling towards me. Dr Bruce was right.

I swing my backpack round and let RoboPete jump out, then I reach in and pull out my multicoloured modded Super Soaker.”

“Let’s fucking go!” I shout, from inside the gas mask.

I brace myself and pull back the trigger. The liquid hits the fearsome flora and immediately they sizzle and twisting back in retreat, but I don’t hold back. As the giant pink flowers open up and move towards me, I blast them right in the centre and they immediately shoot backwards, close up, and fall to the ground.

I’m shooting left. I’m shooting right. I’m shooting up and down.

From nowhere, some kind of creeping vine lunges at me, but stops before it connects with my face. At the other end, RoboPete has his teeth deep into it, growling, and holding it back. The ends open up and it sprays gas straight into my face, but with my gas mask and goggles, it has no effect. I point the Super Soaker upwards and do my worst, sending it flying in the other direction.

By the time I’m finished, it looks like there’s been a neighbourhood waterfight, only I brought herbicide to the party…

As the hiss from the last of the plants dies down, I throw down the Super Soaker, whip off my gas mask, and pull out my side arm.

“So much for your security. Any last words before I blow this little factory to pieces?”

The metallic arm emerges from the machinery.

“Avril… why did you come here?” Her voice sounds calm.

“To destroy you?”

“No. That’s not why you came here, to my world.”

I hear the growing sound of laughter, giggling from the trees.

“Avril, those weren’t my henchmen. My henchmen are… a lot hairier than that.”

I adjust my goggles and look into the trees above me.

“Nooo… they’ve been here the whole time!”

Bored Apes begin swinging down from the trees and in seconds, I’m surrounded.

Most of them are about my height, a few are slightly taller. They are in a range of outfits and several are wearing hats: sailor hats, pilot hats, baseball caps… Some of them are smoking, and almost all of them look… well…bored. They don’t look particularly angry…yet.

“I thought you guys lived in some kind of swamp?”

“They did. But, well, they got bored of that and now they’re with me. As you can imagine, they’re not exactly the most proactive, but when I tell them something needs doing, they know where the bananas come from.”

“Huh? Is that a metaphor?”

“No, they do what I say. I give them bananas.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me...”

“Not at all. I’ll prove it. Bored Ape #599, knock avril’s teeth out!”

An ape to my right wearing a captain’s hat and heart-shaped sunglasses smiles and moves towards me. It’s time to see if my sidearm works on apes…

____________

The year is 2022, the holder of Bored Ape #599 is trying to explain the concept of NFTs to his friend. He’s showing him the wallet on his phone.

“So, this is where they’re stored. It’s like a wallet. And all my NFTs are stored on here, including… including…”

He scrolls backwards and forwards.

“Wait… where is my fucking… Bored Ape… Like seriously… Is this shitty-ass wallet playing up again?”

At the top of his screen, a Whatsapp notification appears.

“JB: DUDE! BRO! MY FUCKING APES GONE! YOURS?”

____________

Avril is standing in a circle of startled apes. At the end of her right arm is a gun, which is pointing towards the now headless ape #599. At the end of her left arm is her trusty electrical baton, which is pointing towards ape #3001, who, while still possessing a head, has clearly taken some damage to it.

“Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll—”

—They move.

At this point my instincts take over. My goggles start describing what I need to do in elegant detail, like they are teaching me how to dance. There are arrows, “Strike here”, directions, “Left foot here” and targets “Aim here”. RoboPete is dancing with me. We lock eyes as he spins through the air attached to an ape’s arm. I give him a reassuring smile.

Unfortunately, it’s enough of a distraction for a monkey fist to hit me straight in the goggles. My head explodes in agony, my sidearm slips and is ripped from my belt. The screen on my goggles begins to glitch. I pull them off and roll into a safe space.

RoboPete joins me as I get ready to twist the end of the electrical baton.

“Ok! Listen here!” I shout at them, “That’s enough! If you come any closer, I’m knocking you out and bashing all your heads in one-by-one.”

They hesitate.

“You lazy-ass monkeys are really prepared to do this for easy bananas! Listen, bros… The Gardener is taking advantage of you. You guys are supposed to be blue chip, and instead you’ve got this girl pushing you around and making you do her…well…monkey work. How about you go and grow you’re own fucking bananas and let me deal with with this freak.”

“You’ve been trading your independence for her supposed safety. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s no longer necessary.”

The apes are looking at each other.

“Now, BEAT IT!”

The Bored Apes scream, turn and run away into the trees, and I’m thanking my lucky stars. I honestly had no idea if the baton was going to be powerful enough to work on them. I get up slowly and walk over to my gun and begin reattaching it.

“Avril…”

Here comes the pleading…

“Avril, who are you working with…”

“Aaaaactually, I was just about to ask the very same thing. It was you who sent the scorpion bot after me, wasn’t it?’”

“Yes…and no… it’s complicated.”

“That’s fine. That’s all I needed to hear.”

“Avril…”

I fire and relish the sounds of The Gardener’s machinery blowing up piece by piece. Sparks are raining down, smoke is billowing out, and I’m having a lot of fun. There’s a party in the jungle and this place is getting trashed.

After my demolition work is over I collapse into a heap beside Pete and light up a cigarette.

“Well done, Petey. We sure showed the stupid monkeys and the evil gardener lady, didn’t we? Yes we did!”

My moment of Pete pampering is interrupted when, out of the wreckage, rolls the metallic sphere with the red light. The one I first encountered in the clearing, except it’s no longer attached to the rest of the arm. It arrives at my feet and I pick it up. The red light is still glowing.

“Avril…” She sounds pissed, but not as much as I’d hoped, “You win round one. Please accept this parting gift. My way of saying thanks.”

A tiny little nozzle appears from the sphere and I can only think of one thing.

My mask.

But it’s too late.

Avril takes a direct hit from a dark green cloud of gas to her face. She immediately sways before collapsing. RoboPete stands over her and barks, but there is no response. Several metres away, lies her gas mask. Next to it, her new goggles lie malfunctioning on the ground.

Aim here

Error

Strike here

Scan: 5439 543 5435 65311

STOP: 0x000000E2

Play: Pixies - Surfer Rosa (1992, Dolby HX Pro, Cassette) ?

Playing: Side B, Track 7, Where is My Mind?