season one. avril arrives.

A dull sky over a grubby futuristic cityscape can be seen through a window. The details are hard to make out as the room is filled with a smoky haze emanating from a lit cigarette. At the other end of the cigarette, light illuminated by her computer screen sits avril15. The cigarette bobs as she nods along to the Lofi Hip Hop blaring from her computer’s sound system.

A long time has passed since avril arrived in this room and a lot has changed. She’s still wearing her old fighter pilot helmet (visor down). It’s got a few more stickers on it now.. She’s dyed her hair (pink, this time) and she’s wearing a bomber jacket covered in sewn-on badges. The most striking difference however is plumbed into her back: a series of tubes leading to a tank of bubbling pink liquid.

Her eyes are glued to the computer screen and have been for a long time. The screen is full of windows and tabs about crypto, blockchain technology and NFTs. In the bottom left hand corner, a small window pops up with a stock photo of a flower and a name:

DR BRUCE has just signed in.

I look at the name next to the flower and grin. The pop up is replaced by another.

DR BRUCE says: Hello avril. I see you found MSN Messenger.

I have been here for a little while now…

I click on the pop up and begin typing.

avril15 says: I see you found me. ASL?

He takes a while to respond.

DR BRUCE says: 52/m/the future… and yes, I didn’t fancy straining my voice over your music.

DR BRUCE says: You do know that much better instant messengers than this were developed that you could use?

avril15 says: I like MSN Messenger. Look at the nice display picture it’s given you!

DR BRUCE says: Yes. Well, speaking of pictures. You seem to have discovered a way to stop me mirroring your screen.

avril15 says: it was creepy. Respect my boundaries.

DR BRUCE says: I was only doing it so I could assist you but it looks like you’re doing just fine.

DR BRUCE says: What do you think of the search engine?

I pull up the “AskBruce” window and stare at its off-white background and plain text above the search bar:

What do you want to know?

avril15 says: it looks … like shit. And don’t name things after yourself, that’s lame.

avril15 says: the time machine thing is cool though but I can’t figure out how to set it to a specific date.

I randomly bash some keys and hit “Search”. In the top right corner, the date reads 2/3/2022.

avril15 says: also, the dates tend to be around the earlier half of the 21st century…

DR BRUCE says: I give you access to a computer that allows you to search a century’s worth of internet and you’re still not happy?

avril15 says: don’t dodge the implicit question, Brucy! Why is it like that?

DR BRUCE says: A design flaw.

avril15 says: or a design feature?

He takes a while to respond again.

DR BRUCE says: BRB

I roll my eyes and swear at the screen. I find a meme of Dr Evil doing air quotes with “BRB” written underneath. Some time passes before he replies, changing the subject,

DR BRUCE says: So you found out what a meme is? Great. What else have you discovered since we last spoke?

avril15 says: tons of things! But I still feel like I’m just scratching the surface. So much happens in the first couple of decades at the turn of the century that it’s hard to keep up: dial-up, broadband, wifi, web3, etc. For example, I found out about this rugpull with this token called Squid Games, so then I “AskedBruce” what Squid Games was. Then, I found it on a streaming site and ended up watching the whole thing. It was pretty good.

DR BRUCE says: You’re leaving behind your 90s roots now: “rugpull” “token” “streaming”. That’s proper 21st century lingo you’re using! I mean, bingeing an entire series isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said “DYOR”…

avril15 says: oooh, DYOR, Dr Bruce, WGMI!!!!!!!! Why can’t you just say Do Your Own Research? You sound like this tool…

I screenshot the Twitter page I have open. Some guy called Gary had posted, “let’s gooooo!” with some rocket emoticons. Underneath I wrote “Let’s not” with a nail painting emoticon.

DR BRUCE says: Haha, ok, that made me laugh. Keep your eye on his account. He might be relevant to your mission.

avril15 says: I told you. I’m not lifting a finger for you until you bring me Pete!

DR BRUCE says: avril, I can’t. He was never minted on a blockchain and it took a lot of time, money and effort to get you here. I won’t do the same with a dog. Plus, he hasn’t got opposable thumbs so the Game Boy method wouldn’t work.

avril15 says: excuse me! His name is Pete. Pete the Meat when he’s on the streets. And you best turn your boffin brain up to 11 and figure out how to get him to me!

DR BRUCE says: I’ll look into it...

DR BRUCE says: In the meantime, could you stop making so many blockchain orders? I warned you already that I don’t want to attract too much attention and… look at this list…

Oh, here it comes.

DR BRUCE says: Cigarettes, alcohol, chocolate, nutritionless instant noodles, serums, eyeliner, games consoles, mech — actually familiarising yourself with mid-21st century mech & tech is quite useful — but: comics, hair dye, more chocolate, more noodles… And what’s a NERF gun? I’m not familiar with that model.

I look at the toy gun sitting next to my chair.

avril15 says: it’s a short to medium range weapon that was popular in the 90s. Just getting in some target practice for the big mission!

DR BRUCE says: Ok, and this latest serum, “LORNE S5-E5” is that the one which allows you to work without sleeping?

I look at the tank over my shoulder and then across at the perfectly made, unused bed. On top of it sits an electric baton, also unused.

avril15 says: yes. Is that a problem? Don’t you want me working to the best of my abilities?

DR BRUCE says: Some of these serums can be dangerous long term. They were heavily regulated not long after they became popular. I take it you’re using it intravenously? You know that most serums are highly flammable, right?

I stiffen my back, where the tubes are attached.

DR BRUCE says: I hope you’re not smoking next to it…

“Shit.”

avril15 says: actually, I quit. But since we are talking about addictions, maybe you could stop tracking all my orders like some freak going through my bins?

DR BRUCE says: I don’t want to alert anyone to your presence. I’m only interested in your safety, avril.

avril15 says: I never asked you to be, so mind your own business.

DR BRUCE says: Fine. I understand that you need to find ways to entertain yourself while doing your research.

avril15 says: you’re damn right I do! You tell me there are millions of on-chain worlds to be explored but then you trap me in this dingy-ass room and say “you can’t see any of these exciting places until you’ve spent a billionty hours in front of the computer reading about crypto shit”!

DR BRUCE says: That’s not exactly what I said. And you’re not trapped.

avril15 says: well, I’m starting to feel trapped…

DR BRUCE says: That door is open.

I look at the metal door. The one that brought me to this room.

DR BRUCE says: The other worlds are just behind it…but you’re not ready yet. Sending you out prematurely would be dangerous. .

avril15 says: I’ve just got a bit of cabin fever and trying to pass the time.

DR BRUCE says: I don’t want to stop you having fun. Breaks are good for concentration.

avril15 says: you’ve got it all figured out eh? I’m your little Tamagotchi: give her treats, but not too many, or she’ll shit everywhere…

DR BRUCE says: I understand the point you are making, but your metaphor isn’t far from the truth. If you keep making such vast quantities of on-chain deliveries, things are going to get messy and it will be out of my control. The best way for you to get out of there is to become a blockchain expert and figure out where things went wrong.

I type a snarky response, stare at it, then delete it. It’s not worth it. I take a moment to feel good about myself for showing restraint and then change the subject.

avril15 says: ok, well maybe you can help me with this then. What the hell is an “Orgasmic Superhero Mutant Alien Ape Yacht Club”?

I bring Twitter back up and send him a screenshot of a badly drawn cartoon of some kind of monkey with an alien-shaped head in a Superman costume with weird shit coming out of its nostrils and its eyes rolled back.

DR BRUCE says: That, avril, might be where many of our problems started. It’s a derivative. One of hundreds, thousands. The original was called the Bored Ape Yacht Club (BAYC). They were drawings of apes… that were bored. It was one of the first NFT collections whose value exploded. People wanted a piece of that action and just kept trying to add their own spin. Then there were derivatives of derivatives and you ended up with something like this.

avril15 says: It’s hideous. I mean, is this it? Is this what NFTs have to offer?

DR BRUCE says: Oh, it gets worse, believe me.

DR BRUCE says: We can talk about this in more depth later. Maybe you should disconnect that serum and get some sleep.

avril15 says: Doctor’s orders?

DR BRUCE says: Kind of… but I get the feeling ordering you around will get me nowhere, so take it as a recommendation.

avril15 says: I feel like you’ve learned something today. Bye Bruce

His status changes to “Away”. I pick up the NERF gun and let rip, taking my frustrations out on the door to the room. The NERF darts fire into the door with a satisfying thwack. Below where the 5 neon darts have stuck is a square trap door where the deliveries have been coming through. It looks a bit like a cat flap, only bigger. I swallow. This makes me think of Pete.

Thinking of Pete sends me spiralling. Plenty of people don’t get the dog thing and that’s fine because, at times, I don’t get the human thing. Pete helps define me, more so than all the toys, trinkets and games I’ve had delivered. I guess music defines me too. But what does that even mean? Can you even define yourself? Ok, I’m starting to sound like the type of thing I’d see on a Twitter bio. Wait, maybe I should make a Twitter page for Pete…

There must be something I can do to get him here! I need a distraction. I minimise the Twitter windows, the AskBruce search engine and all the crypto research I’ve been doing. Instead, I pull up the Sega emulator I’ve had running in the background the whole time and load up Street Fighter. Chun-Li, of course.

I think I’ve got it. I think I’ve fucking got it. The date in the corner of the AskBruce browser reads 2075. I’ve managed to get search results far enough in the future that I might actually have found a solution. I click on the link.

A deep, masculine voice with a touch of vocal fry begins talking at me complete with…dramatic pauses… and all the cheese…of an advert …for a Super Soaker.

I pause the Lofi.

“Are you looking for all the fun of owning a pet…with none of the mess? Or perhaps you want to recreate that first feline or canine friend from your childhood?

Maybe you’ve tried other Pet-Printers and been disappointed…disturbed… or frustrated by the time-consuming process. Introducing: The Companionator! Using the latest in digital recognition software and android-printing technology…

The Companionator creates the most accurate representation of your furry…feathered…or scaled friend. So what are you waiting for… Try out the Companianator today!”

The voice lowers and speeds up to read out the smallprint.

“Dangerous animal printing prohibited. Companionator is not responsible for physical or emotional damage caused by pet printing. Refunds subject to terms and conditions. Pet accessories not included. Digestive tracts optional.”

I blink at the screen. This is it.

I begin filling in all the basic details and before I know it, the Companionator logo appears on the screen (a paw made of hexagonal shapes) and underneath text appears

Close your eyes and think of your pet…

This can be your dream pet, or a pet you’ve owned.

Your picture must be vivid. Think of their size, shape and colour. Think of their character: is your pet shy? Outgoing? Obedient? Stubborn?

I laugh and nod. Stubborn.

Now remove your ocular obstruction.

My…Oh! I lift up my visor. Lasers suddenly shoot out of the computer from what I thought might be a webcam and I jump in my seat. But I can’t actually feel anything. Is it scanning me? At the same time, a rotating grey blob appears on the screen.

The blob begins to stretch and get longer. I realise what’s happening when little leg shapes start to form, followed by a head and tail. The tail goes slightly too long before immediately retracting. Is my mind being read? Surely not… Then I remember, “digital recognition” and I see the lasers sweep across my eyes, presumably my face too. It’s not reading my mind. It’s reading my facial gestures. I know who Pete is and who he isn’t and the programme can tell. Amazing! And slightly terrifying…

It proceeds to shape Pete’s size and shape by reading my face. Afterwards, it quickly cycles through some colours until I see a familiar jet black. My lip quivers. His hair length is texturised and as the finishing touches to his face are made, I cry out,

“Pete!”

But we aren’t finished yet. I am prompted to enter in all his various nicknames and then, for what seems like an hour, I sit and watch Pete begin to interact with various objects and situations as the programme tries to pinpoint his character. At one point, Pete jumps headlong into a lake and starts swimming.

I let out a large snort of derision “No way!” and the programme immediately reacts. The water disappears and I’m left with a wet, unhappy-looking Pete.

“Awww, Peeete….”

I’ve been sitting in one position so long, absorbed in designing Pete that the tank tubes are hurting, so I shift slightly to ease the discomfort. I may not be following the doctor’s “recommendation” to quit the anti-sleep serum but look at all the cool things I’m discovering!

I get to the payment screen and see that I can pay in ETH. I make a note that Ethereum is still going strong in 2075 so I can make some trades on this later. Playing the market gets a lot easier when you’ve got a time-travelling computer.

Finally the screen reads

Pete is complete

Expect your delivery within [ERROR: UNDEFINED RANGE] days

I try not to panic. This happened with the Stretch Armstrong, and he did eventually turn up. I turn to Stretch and he grins back at me reassuringly.

I unpause the Lofi and get back to Street Fighter.

The game’s end credits are rolling and I’m half-watching them while snapping a multi-coloured slap bracelet on and off my wrist. What I’m really doing is waiting for Pete.

Then I hear something: a scraping at the door. I look down at the giant cat flap and wait for the box to be pushed through. RoboPete is nearly here! Oh my god, it won’t be as good as the real thing, but it’s still going to be awesome. Unless, unless I get a freaky Pet Sematary-style surprise. What if Robo Pete comes out wrong. Have I made a mistake? Without realising it, I start nervously humming The Ramones tune.

More scraping.

Oh god. What have I done? The scraping is now accompanied by a metallic whirring sound, like a drill. That’s not what normally happens when I get a delivery. The NERF darts are shaken to the ground by the movement of the door. What’s going on?

A pointed arrowhead drill appears in the centre of the trap door like an ugly metal worm. It’s pointing straight at me before it’s pulled back at great force, taking the entire trap door with it. I stand up from my computer, the tank tubes pulling at me slightly. There is now a large square-shaped hold in the door with bright purple light streaming in. Then, spidery-like legs appear and wrap themselves around the edges of the hole.

That’s not Petey.

As it crawls through, I realise it’s more scorpion-like than spider. It’s a robot, clearly, or some kind of drone. it’s got vices for claws and the arrowhead is attached to the end of its tail. Green light pours from what could only be its eyes. It rears up to full height, almost as tall as me, and light bursts from its tail. I flinch before I realise that I’m, not for the first time today, being scanned.

“Anomaly detected. Locked on target”

Oh shit.

It lunges for me and I grab both of its vice claws with my own. The tail begins stabbing wildly at me, narrowly missing my head. My uncle’s voice shouts in my ears and I can almost smell the gym mats.

“Use your attacker’s strength against them!”

It pushes me backwards, but I hold on to it, find the centre of balance and my footing, and push back against it. The machine goes flying back towards the door.

It steadies itself before flying towards me for a second time. This time I try to take cover, but the tubes attached to my back go taught and I’m briefly, painfully suspended before my attacker lands on me.

The tubes are ripped out and my back feels like it’s on fire as I drop to the floor. I escape further damage though as the scorpion is now wrapped in the tubes, wrestling with the tank of serum.

My body is coursing with adrenaline, so much so that I can barely feel the pain in my back. Something kicks in, something I’ve never felt before. I will need more than physical strength to survive this. The robot stumbles back towards the door, but appears to be getting ready for another attack despite it being entangled in…

I see it. My telescopic baton still sitting on the bed. I reach for it and flick it open as a metallic tail swings for me. I bash it away, but the force knocks me back. The baton is now surging with electricity and I know what to do.

The serum tank is threaded through one of the claw arms. I run towards it, and take a full swing at it, shattering the glass. Sparks fly from the end of the baton, igniting the serum that has drenched the scorpion. The arm of my jacket briefly catches fire, but I quickly dive onto the bed and quell the flames. Meanwhile, the robot is spinning around completely engulfed, disorientated. I need to end this before the whole room goes up in flames.

I jump off the bed and grab my computer chair. I point the legs at the flaming robot and charge. It scrapes along the ground like it’s screaming in defiance as I push it towards the trap door. I throw my entire weight behind the chair as I collapse. It’s enough to push the scorpion back through the trap door into the purple light. It disappears, taking the chair with it.

I’m on all fours, panting, waiting, but the scorpion doesn’t return. The adrenaline begins leaving my system and my back begins to sting. My eyes are getting heavy, and I realise what’s about to happen.

“You…got… what you… wanted…Brucy.”

As the last of the serum leaves my system I pass out.

I seem to be in a large art gallery with wooden floors and white walls. Light is streaming in through a glass ceiling. I try to look at the art on the walls but I can’t. I can’t move my head to get a clear view of them. Yet somehow I know all the pictures are of me. There’s a loud bang. Gravity reverses and the glass ceiling is now a floor and I’m falling through.

I wake up screaming. It takes me a few seconds to notice the Lofi music playing. I dreamt that I was falling but now I’m awake and I’m fine, except I’m on the floor and…

“Shit.”

My back is aching. The tubes are out. I reach behind me and run the back of my hand across the puncture marks. They are tender, but have already started healing. There’s no trace of blood on my hand. I must have been out for a while.

I pull myself onto my knees and survey the damage. There’s still a hole in the door but now there’s something in front of it and it’s not a scorpion robot. It’s a black box with a logo. A pet’s paw made out of hexagons.

“Pete!!”

I scramble to the box with no hesitation this time. I need to see Pete. I figure the raised logo is the release mechanism and push down on it.

The lid opens and inside there is white tissue paper, like you would use to wrap something fragile. There is no movement.

“Pete?”

Suddenly the paper bursts open and out jumps Pete! I begin crying with excitement as he jumps up on me. I try to stop and remind myself this is RoboPete, but somehow he’s warm and even smells like him! How the hell?

I completely lose myself for over an hour playing with RoboPete, cuddling him and telling him about his IRL twin. I even find some food and treats for him at the bottom of the box he came in (yes, I selected the digestive tract option).

He finally seems to grow bored of me, which is also an accurate character trait so I leave him to it. The room is a mess and with the computer chair gone, I’m forced to kneel in front of the screens. Pete jumps up and joins me on the desk, not so bored after all. MSN Messenger is open. I have 162 unread messages from Dr Bruce. What’s happened, where are you, are you ok, etc., etc.

I think carefully about my response.

avril15 says: I’m fine. A bit shaken up. I was attacked by a horrible scorpion robot and before you ask, yes I did order something else, but I don’t want to hear a fucking word about it. You could have been a bit more clear when you said you were only, “interested in my safety.” Next time, just say: you might be attacked by a fucking scorpion robot and maybe I’ll listen.

He responds immediately.

DR BRUCE says: avril, I’m sorry and I’m glad you’re ok. I have some idea what you were up against and, well, I’m impressed you managed to escape with your life… how’s Pete?

avril15 says: he’s amazing. A true gent. Unlike you, Dr Binraider.

avril15 says: what was it that attacked me?

DR BRUCE says: It’s… a security protocol. Designed to search and destroy on-chain anomalies before they become a bigger problem.

avril15 says: that sounds typically vague.

DR BRUCE says: What information did your heads-up display give you on it? It must have given some clues to the securitybot’s weaknesses…

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I flip the visor on my helmet down. Everything is bathed in multicolour and the HUD starts analysing the room: identifying the spilled serum, telling me the make and model of my baton, assessing the damage on the door. Why didn’t I do this the moment that thing showed up…

avril15 says: yeah sure, it gave me some ideas, but I just kind of vibed it. Did my own thing.

Change the subject.

avril15 says: wait, what do you mean by a security protocol? Isn’t the whole point of blockchain technology that it secures itself? Who was controlling the robot?

DR BRUCE says: It was automated, but yes, you’re right. Centralisation, regulation, there were many things that have happened which shouldn’t have…

avril15 says: so it’s related to my mission? To find out what went wrong with this technology and “course correct” it?

DR BRUCE says: Yes. But you still have more research to do first.

avril15 says: fuck that! Someone sent a robot scorpion after me and you’d rather I chase Spambots on Twitter? What about these monkey guys, BAYC? You said you thought they were involved.

DR BRUCE says: Kind of… maybe…it’s complicated and you need more time. You are too valuable to put at risk right now.

avril15 says: Am I? Valuable? What does that even mean? How do you measure that? Because I can beat up scorpion robots? Because I’m the first person to be “digitally tokenised on-chain”?

DR BRUCE says: Well, they seem like good traits to me but you have others, more important ones. Anyway, you can’t reach BAYC from here. Their developers, yes, but you need to… well, speak to the monkeys, not the organ grinders.

avril15 says: and where are they?

No response this time.

avril15 says: They are on-chain, like I am, right? In a block like the one I had to enter to get into this room? Bruce, I need to go outside.

Still nothing.

avril15 says: fine, I’m fed up with this room anyway.

DR BRUCE says: This could be a bad idea, avril. We don’t really know how the dots are connected yet.

avril15 says: I know I’m not waiting here, staring out the window at some cyberpunk city I can’t even visit, waiting for the next killer robot to come peeking through the massive square shaped hole in my door.

There’s a pause but then he gives in and sends me the information I need: where to go, and how to contact him when I get there. I get changed, pick up my baton and stuff it in my pocket. Pete reluctantly gets scooped into my backpack and I send a final message before I leave: Dr Evil and his air quotes. BRB.

I turn off the Lofi music.

“Yo, Pete the Meat! You ready to hit the streets?”

Pete barks.

“Actually, where we’re going, I don’t know if there are any streets.”

I don’t know what is coming next, but I suppose that I am ready for it…

Pete seems unconcerned. I light a cigarette and walk to the door. I grab the handle and take a deep breath. As it opens, bright purple light streams into the room.

Avril15 and Pete leave the Lofi room. The bed is covered in clothes. The floor is strewn with NERF darts and a grinning Stretch Armstrong is sitting in a puddle of what is, hopefully, serum. The ashtray is piled high next to the computer and the silence is punctured only by a series of notifications coming from MSN Messenger.

____________

James aka Mr Games says: how’s it going avril, you home already?

James aka Mr Games says: how’s Blockchain Warriors working out for you?